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Maral's Jokesssssssss of the day


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#21 THOTH

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Posted 17 December 2003 - 10:27 PM

A bunch of winners....5 story hotel wasn't a joke though was it?

#22 gamavor

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Posted 17 December 2003 - 10:39 PM

Maraaaaaallllll!!!! Encore!!! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

#23 Maral

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Posted 18 December 2003 - 11:49 AM

WEIGHT LOSS

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious
health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran
across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah
right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and
subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!"

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After
they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this
company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days
and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads,
"If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a
shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her,
but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four
days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone
"This is our most rigorous program."

Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years" The next
day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular
guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

#24 THOTH

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Posted 18 December 2003 - 12:01 PM

!!!!!

So you are advocating that its better to lose weight in smaller increments eh? - don't push it so much...

And here I was about to sign up for that program! LOL

Again bravo! funny...

#25 Maral

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Posted 18 December 2003 - 12:22 PM

THOHT,you are more then welcome to sign up!
I'll make sure you get the version of the diet without the guy! laugh.gif

#26 ExtraHye

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Posted 18 December 2003 - 12:26 PM

But what if he wants the guy Maral jan. Don't break his heart like that. laugh.gif

#27 Maral

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Posted 18 December 2003 - 12:27 PM

EXTRA,well I guess anything is possible...but I'm pretty sure he doesn't go that way,lucky for us huh???????? laugh.gif

#28 Armo77

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Posted 18 December 2003 - 04:13 PM

I like Maral's jokes.. biggrin.gif

#29 Maral

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Posted 18 December 2003 - 05:47 PM

And Maral's jokes like you! hug.gif

huh.gif

#30 Maral

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Posted 19 December 2003 - 11:25 AM

There are many stories related to the sinking of the "Titanic."
Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent
movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912
Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The
"Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled
for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port
of call for the great ship after New York City.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were
disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a
national day of mourning which they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as...


[ This is pretty bad ]


[ I don't make these up...I'm just the messenger ]


[ Are you sure you're ready? ]


Sinko de Mayo

#31 Maral

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Posted 20 December 2003 - 10:47 AM

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got
five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars
for doing a cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying
to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,
"Mommy, I got ten
dollars.
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for
doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree" The mother replied,
"Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I
tricked him, I didn't wear any panties
today."

#32 Maral

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Posted 20 December 2003 - 12:27 PM

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a
job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to
you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

#33 ED

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Posted 20 December 2003 - 12:47 PM

Wife complains to her man

"Honey I'm tired of the same old lovemaking we do over and over again every time, lets change our mood, go somewhere different like a forest"

So they go into the forest as they start do what they came to do a policeman walks by and

I have to give you both a ticket for your behaviors, you canít make love in this forest, this is a public forest and itís against the law.

So he gives a man $10 and wife a $100 penalty

As policeman walks away man stops him and asks
Wait a minute man, why give me $10 and my wife a $100 penalty?

Policeman replies, you see, well, I see you first time in here, but I canít keep that woman away from this forest smile.gif

#34 Maral

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Posted 21 December 2003 - 04:10 PM

Forgive me but I just couldn't let this go by without sharing with my kiddies smile.gif

For all those men who believe that there's no reason to buy the cow when you can get the milk free, nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, as they have wised up to the fact that for 8 oz.(that's OUNCES!Might be a little generous there,but we'll give you the benefit of the doubt,hehe) of sausage it's not worth buying the entire pig! tongue.gif

#35 Maral

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Posted 21 December 2003 - 04:20 PM

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read
and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half
of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the
gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident.


P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

#36 Maral

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Posted 22 December 2003 - 12:22 PM

MEN:

It's not so complicated!

The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature
into something you'd like to have dinner with.

#37 THOTH

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Posted 22 December 2003 - 01:01 PM

Yeah Maral - I think you summed it up pretty well...LOL

#38 Maral

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Posted 23 December 2003 - 12:41 PM

THE LAST WORD

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks
across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I
want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up goes
the speed to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues. The speed is now 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and
the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover. This
makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you
want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he enquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."

#39 Davo0074_NL

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Posted 23 December 2003 - 12:53 PM

Nice jokes Maral!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! biggrin.gif biggrin.gif biggrin.gif

David ph34r.gif

#40 Maral

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Posted 23 December 2003 - 07:11 PM

Ya know it's really ok to post jokes here....I won't charge you guys much tongue.gif




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