How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
Jokes About Men
Started by
angel4hope
, Jan 23 2004 03:43 PM
50 replies to this topic
#1
angel4hope
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 03:43 PM
#2
angel4hope
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 03:43 PM
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
#3
angel4hope
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look at me...i can fly!...sploosh!
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- Interests:too many to list... btw i love eye candy! therefore my addiction, and hence my diabetes :(
Posted 23 January 2004 - 03:49 PM
What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the best way to kill a man?
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
#4
Dan
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:00 PM
QUOTE
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
lmao!!! that was mean!!! 
QUOTE
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
They all already have boyfriends.
lol.. what about me?!??!?! 
i don't have a bf!! lol 
Edited by Dan, 23 January 2004 - 04:01 PM.
#5
Sip
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:05 PM
QUOTE (Dan @ Jan 23 2004, 04:00 PM)
lol.. what about me?!??!?! i don't have a bf!! lol She said MEN
#6
Dan
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:06 PM
QUOTE (Sip @ Jan 23 2004, 05:05 PM)
She said MEN
#7
angel4hope
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look at me...i can fly!...sploosh!
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- Interests:too many to list... btw i love eye candy! therefore my addiction, and hence my diabetes :(
Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:09 PM
dan jan dont pay attention to stupid remarks that may hurt your feelings..let it go dude..ignore ignore ignore 
btw i didnt mean the joke pretaining to anyone i particular--just found them online and thought they were funny
btw i didnt mean the joke pretaining to anyone i particular--just found them online and thought they were funny
#8
Dan
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:11 PM
hurt my feelings? how so? lol.. heh.. naw.. i'm just being sarcastic.
heh.. naw.. i'm just being sarcastic.
#9
angel4hope
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look at me...i can fly!...sploosh!
- Location:a flicker in yur neuronal connectivities
- Interests:too many to list... btw i love eye candy! therefore my addiction, and hence my diabetes :(
Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:30 PM
i meant what sip said, dont let it get to you okie...lol he thinks hes funny sometimes... haha
#10
Anonymouse
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Julius Caesar was a salad dressing dude!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:37 PM
What has a prostate and eats XX chromsomes?
A man.
A man.
#11
angel4hope
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look at me...i can fly!...sploosh!
- Location:a flicker in yur neuronal connectivities
- Interests:too many to list... btw i love eye candy! therefore my addiction, and hence my diabetes :(
Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:42 PM
thats just disgusting......
#12
Anonymouse
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Julius Caesar was a salad dressing dude!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 04:57 PM
QUOTE (angel4hope @ Jan 23 2004, 04:42 PM)
thats just disgusting......
Well, you didn't specify what type of jokes.
#13
angel4hope
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look at me...i can fly!...sploosh!
- Location:a flicker in yur neuronal connectivities
- Interests:too many to list... btw i love eye candy! therefore my addiction, and hence my diabetes :(
Posted 23 January 2004 - 05:01 PM
its cool im just jokeing dude... its funny though but a bit yucky
#14
Anonymouse
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Julius Caesar was a salad dressing dude!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 05:37 PM
QUOTE (angel4hope @ Jan 23 2004, 05:01 PM)
its cool im just jokeing dude... its funny though but a bit yucky
Everything is yucky, we just don't talk about it. Like when humans go to the restroom.
#15
angel4hope
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look at me...i can fly!...sploosh!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 05:38 PM
thats true dude...sorry im a bit into the clouds u know...sometimes i dont like to talk about such things...but its all good i agree
#16
Anonymouse
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Julius Caesar was a salad dressing dude!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 05:46 PM
QUOTE (angel4hope @ Jan 23 2004, 05:38 PM)
thats true dude...sorry im a bit into the clouds u know...sometimes i dont like to talk about such things...but its all good i agree
Have you ever been to a guests house and used their restroom only to find that they forgot to restock the toilet paper?
#17
Anonymouse
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Julius Caesar was a salad dressing dude!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 05:47 PM
What does one do in that situation?
#18
Anonymouse
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Julius Caesar was a salad dressing dude!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 05:48 PM
I usually use their towels.
#19
angel4hope
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look at me...i can fly!...sploosh!
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- Interests:too many to list... btw i love eye candy! therefore my addiction, and hence my diabetes :(
Posted 23 January 2004 - 05:50 PM
haha i c youve been watchin Along came polly with jenniffer aniston...lol
thats why i check for toilet paper before i do anything lol
thats why i check for toilet paper before i do anything lol
#20
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Julius Caesar was a salad dressing dude!
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Posted 23 January 2004 - 06:08 PM
QUOTE (angel4hope @ Jan 23 2004, 05:50 PM)
haha i c youve been watchin Along came polly with jenniffer aniston...lol
thats why i check for toilet paper before i do anything lol
thats why i check for toilet paper before i do anything lol
Actually, I haven't seen that film, nor do I watch any more with Ben Stiller and Adam Sandler.
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