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#1 Anonymouse

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 08:38 PM

The simple truth is - and I have come to this conclusion based on the putrid personal experience of mine from the measly time I have spent on this earth, but also mostly from the experience of others - that a healthy relationship is not based on the idea of compromise. If at any point in any person's relationship, you feel you have come to that dreaded door of compromise, then you may not want to admit to yourself, but you are in the wrong relationship. That means, that either you or the other person, does not accept you or the other person for who they are.

So far the only people that I have mostly heard this from are women. Women always like to claim that "love is all about compromise" or "relationships are all about compromise". I used to accept this as an unquestioned part of all relationships. The more I reflected, the more it made no sense to me, and eventually I had a moment of clarity.

This is far beyond the time of when men would play the god damned lute under their maiden's windows. This notion of compromise is a modern invention along with "sciences" that women love, such as psychology and sociology.

It's amazing how many women believe this and how many men do not question this. If anyone must compromise, then the other person gains. So when a person compromises, the odds are that he/she does not know himself/herself, nor what he/she wants, which is why he/she will settle for a compromise.

Think about it folks. How many of you right now sport this idea yourselves in your relationships or marriages? Take a cold heart look into your structural relations with your significant other and see if this is not the case, and if arguments do not result from this issue.

#2 Aratta-Kingdom

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 08:49 PM

Relationships [based on real values] are all about understanding + acceptance = 'respect' .

#3 Anonymouse

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 08:58 PM

QUOTE(Aratta-Kingdom @ Aug 13 2007, 09:49 PM)
Relationships [based on real values] are all about understanding + acceptance = 'respect' .


What are you trying to say? If that's your subtle way of saying compromise without saying the word compromise, then you're wrong.

Respect and understanding are mutually exclusive from compromise.

#4 Takoush

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 09:47 PM

Anon jan; You are right about compromise. It shouldn't come to that especially in the beginning of a relationship. I would like to think that a relationship, any relationship should be based on liking the person, then falling in love with a person. And when you really like and love a person then automatically you would want very much to please that person wholeheartedly. Simply because it pleases him something that is not against your values.

Obviously you are bound to get into a relationship that is similar to your values and mores. Or at least it's acceptable for you. Mutually acceptable values. Respect is comes with love. Without love you will not have mutual respect.

Compromise only one way will not work in the long run and eventually you will lose love and respect towards the person. Expressing your thoughts and your innermost desires and likes is important for both parties, as well as your dislikes.

My sister-in-law once told me to use the compromise technique with my husband for a matter; and for the first time I asked my husband to compromise and he refused, then I let it go and I never asked him again. That was my first and last.

For a girl to give in to you or you to give in for her because either you desire for something or she does, it must be given without pressure or compromise. If there is real like and love and wanting, it should come naturally.



#5 Anonymouse

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 09:57 PM

QUOTE(Anahid Takouhi @ Aug 13 2007, 10:47 PM)
Anon jan; You are right about compromise. It shouldn't come to that especially in the beginning of a relationship. I would like to think that a relationship, any relationship should be based on liking the person, then falling in love with a person. And when you really like and love a person then automatically you would want very much to please that person wholeheartedly. Simply because it pleases him something that is not against your values.

Obviously you are bound to get into a relationship that is similar to your values and mores. Or at least it's acceptable for you. Mutually acceptable values. Respect is comes with love. Without love you will not have mutual respect.

Compromise only one way will not work in the long run and eventually you will lose love and respect towards the person. Expressing your thoughts and your innermost desires and likes is important for both parties, as well as your dislikes.


Compromise one way or both ways, should not be there to begin with. Once you have that, then you are truly in the wrong relationship. Everything comes with the territory and that is why 90% of relationships fail. By relationships I mean both marriage or serious long-term relationships. By fail I mean they become boring chores, they end in divorce, or lack of interest, or people just stay for whatever, children and circumstance.

QUOTE(Anahid Takouhi @ Aug 13 2007, 10:47 PM)
My sister-in-law once told me to use the compromise technique with my husband for a matter; and for the first time I asked my husband to compromise and he refused, then I let it go and I never asked him again. That was my first and last.

For a girl to give in to you or you to give in for her because either you desire for something or she does, it must be given without pressure or compromise. If there is real like and love and wanting, it should come naturally.


But that's the point. Every time I raise this question, females say, "Well, you shouldn't compromise core values of who you are, but when we say compromise we mean it about little things, like who will do the laundry, or take out the trash, or what movie we will watch." This misses the point. The core values of who we are and what makes us who we are, are inextricably tied to, when we take out the trash, how we set up our room, whether he like it messy during the week and clean it up in the weekend, whether we leave the toilet seat up, or whether we choose to watch a particular movie or genre. Therein lies the secret and which women almost always fail at making this distinction.




#6 Sip

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 10:24 PM

Anon, instead of "compromise" I would use the word "trade-off". Life is about different trade-offs. Being single has certain benefits and certain disadvantages. Being in a relationship has other benefits and other disadvantages. Just like anything else in life, one ends up tradeing off some of these benefits and disadvantages for each other.

So for example, as a single guy, one might be able to walk around the house and belch and fart freely at any time. This is an advantage that one might choose to trade-off for some other benefits that a relationship might entail. It's not really a "compromise" though it could be looked at as such.

#7 Takoush

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Posted 13 August 2007 - 10:31 PM

QUOTE(Anonymouse @ Aug 13 2007, 11:57 PM)
Compromise one way or both ways, should not be there to begin with. Once you have that, then you are truly in the wrong relationship. Everything comes with the territory and that is why 90% of relationships fail. By relationships I mean both marriage or serious long-term relationships. By fail I mean they become boring chores, they end in divorce, or lack of interest, or people just stay for whatever, children and circumstance.


Yes this is true as in time all the compromises through the years will accumulate to become a huge chore to stay with that person in a marriage or in a relationship and you'll start getting sick and tired about it and about the person.

QUOTE
But that's the point. Every time I raise this question, females say, "Well, you shouldn't compromise core values of who you are, but when we say compromise we mean it about little things, like who will do the laundry, or take out the trash, or what movie we will watch." This misses the point. The core values of who we are and what makes us who we are, are inextricably tied to, when we take out the trash, how we set up our room, whether he like it messy during the week and clean it up in the weekend, whether we leave the toilet seat up, or whether we choose to watch a particular movie or genre. Therein lies the secret and which women almost always fail at making this distinction.


Although I understand what you're saying Anon; but we will never and close to never find a one individual with the same exact values as ours. Close yes; but exactly not. Otherwise one must wait a long time to search and find the very right person. And perhaps you'll never find it in one lifetime. However, even if we don't find that person with very similar and exact values as ours; then that's where the like and love play a positive role in filling out the little empty spots where your values differ somewhat. Because if there is that great love between couples then the differences shouldn't matter because of that wonderful warm feeling and love you feel towards your lover or your spouse and you will not mind the little differences, instead you will feel content and happy just to be with the person; and simply because you'd want to please him/her. And therefore, there will not be any need for compromise.

Does this answer your question?



Edited by Anahid Takouhi, 13 August 2007 - 10:48 PM.


#8 nairi

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 03:37 AM

I believe it was Vava who once said: "I hate it when people live up to their stereotypes," i.e. when men and women act the way they are expected to act.

I agree with Sip. You'll never find anyone who is 100% in tune with you. A successful relationship is about giving, taking, and losing some. If you do not want this, then stay out of a relationship.

I also disagree with Sip on the farting and belching. smile.gif In any long-term relationship, you should be able to do this in front of your partner with no shame.

#9 aSoldier

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 05:11 AM

QUOTE(nairi @ Aug 14 2007, 07:37 PM)
I also disagree with Sip on the farting and belching. smile.gif In any long-term relationship, you should be able to do this in front of your partner with no shame.


I would never. Depends on your personality I guess...

#10 Yervant1

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 09:40 AM

Guys the word is "Love" true love.
If there is love in a relationship the rest is secondary.

#11 Takoush

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:24 AM

QUOTE(Yervant1 @ Aug 14 2007, 11:40 AM)
Guys the word is "Love" true love.
If there is love in a relationship the rest is secondary.

Indeed!!!! That's what I was trying to post earlier this morning; but my computer stalled and I couldn't finish it.

When there is real love in a relationship as I said it above, then the rest comes by itself. Compromise comes easy and wantingly when you love that special person with all your heart and your cerebral and your psyche and your " հոգի.
Furthermore you will not see or want to see that person's flaws. You will wholeheartedly will want to please the love of your life. That's it. inlove.gif At least that's from my perspective as well as some others.

Երբ սէր է լինում, կեանքն անուշ է լինում,
Երբ սէր է լինում, սիրած եարըդ քուկդ է լինում.

Իսկ կեանքում դու սէր չունես, կեանքի իմաստը չես վայլելու
Իսկ դու երբ սէր չես ունեցել, կեանքն ապրեցար ասես մի դաշտ առանց հունցքի եւ ծաղիկի



#12 Takoush

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:30 AM

It's funny but I have just been inspired at this very moment to write this little poem. Let's just say that I have been inspired.



Edited by Anahid Takouhi, 14 August 2007 - 11:33 AM.


#13 Anonymouse

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:53 AM

QUOTE(Sip @ Aug 13 2007, 11:24 PM)
Anon, instead of "compromise" I would use the word "trade-off". Life is about different trade-offs. Being single has certain benefits and certain disadvantages. Being in a relationship has other benefits and other disadvantages. Just like anything else in life, one ends up tradeing off some of these benefits and disadvantages for each other.

So for example, as a single guy, one might be able to walk around the house and belch and fart freely at any time. This is an advantage that one might choose to trade-off for some other benefits that a relationship might entail. It's not really a "compromise" though it could be looked at as such.


I see what you're trying to say. However, what I am trying to say is different. In that sense, I disagree that a compromise and a trade off is the same thing. We always have trade-offs, you are correct.

If I am with Marry Ann who doesn't mind me walking around the house and belching and farting, I am still making a trade off. However, if Marry Ann did not like that and wanted me to stop, I would then be making a compromise. Entirely two different beats.

#14 Anonymouse

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 11:59 AM

QUOTE(Anahid Takouhi @ Aug 13 2007, 11:31 PM)
but we will never and close to never find a one individual with the same exact values as ours. Close yes; but exactly not. Otherwise one must wait a long time to search and find the very right person. And perhaps you'll never find it in one lifetime.



QUOTE(nairi @ Aug 14 2007, 04:37 AM)
I believe it was Vava who once said: "I hate it when people live up to their stereotypes," i.e. when men and women act the way they are expected to act.

I agree with Sip. You'll never find anyone who is 100% in tune with you. A successful relationship is about giving, taking, and losing some. If you do not want this, then stay out of a relationship.



It's interesting that the females thought this way. However, I never said anything about finding anyone with the exact same values or someone who is in tune with you on everything. Are you folks reading the same thread? It's about finding someone who will accept you for you are and not make you compromise and try to change you (both your core values of who you are, as well as little shit like what kind of movies you want to watch, because as anyone in relationships know, arguments revolve around the little things, habits, choices, etc.). It has nothing to do with finding someone who has the same and identical values as you.

However, it is everything about how women have this innate drive and nature to try to 'change a man'. It's sort of hardwired in their 'makeover' gene, like when they get a room, they want to decorate and do a makeover. They try the same thing with their men.

And if this stance is going to curse me to a life of solitude, then so be it.

#15 Arpa

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:05 PM

QUOTE(Anahid Takouhi @ Aug 14 2007, 05:30 PM)
It's funny but I have just been inspired at this very moment to write this little poem. Let's just say that I have been inspired.

It is even more funny that you used "linum" instead of "g@lla gor".

#16 nairi

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:18 PM

QUOTE(Anonymouse @ Aug 14 2007, 07:59 PM)
It's interesting that the females thought this way. However, I never said anything about finding anyone with the exact same values or someone who is in tune with you on everything. Are you folks reading the same thread? It's about finding someone who will accept you for you are and not make you compromise and try to change you (both your core values of who you are, as well as little shit like what kind of movies you want to watch, because as anyone in relationships know, arguments revolve around the little things, habits, choices, etc.). It has nothing to do with finding someone who has the same and identical values as you.

However, it is everything about how women have this innate drive and nature to try to 'change a man'. It's sort of hardwired in their 'makeover' gene, like when they get a room, they want to decorate and do a makeover. They try the same thing with their men.

And if this stance is going to curse me to a life of solitude, then so be it.


What I read here is that you wish women were different. Does that mean that you wish women would change to suit your needs, my nineteenth-century friend?

I have chosen a life of freedom, partly because I know that I will never find a man who can suit my needs, and I know I will never want to change myself to suit a man's needs.

#17 ED

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:39 PM

QUOTE(nairi @ Aug 14 2007, 02:37 AM)
I also disagree with Sip on the farting and belching. smile.gif In any long-term relationship, you should be able to do this in front of your partner with no shame.



very true

#18 Sip

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:40 PM

Note to self: Don't go to Ed's house for dinner on "Mexican" night. ohmy.gif tongue.gif

#19 Anonymouse

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:43 PM

QUOTE(nairi @ Aug 14 2007, 01:18 PM)
What I read here is that you wish women were different. Does that mean that you wish women would change to suit your needs, my nineteenth-century friend?


So you're admitting that women always want to change a man and force him to compromise?

QUOTE(nairi @ Aug 14 2007, 01:18 PM)
I have chosen a life of freedom, partly because I know that I will never find a man who can suit my needs, and I know I will never want to change myself to suit a man's needs.


You're doing the men a favor. smile.gif


#20 ED

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Posted 14 August 2007 - 12:46 PM

QUOTE(Sip @ Aug 14 2007, 11:40 AM)
Note to self: Don't go to Ed's house for dinner on "Mexican" night. ohmy.gif tongue.gif




No Sip, after I eat the Mexican I jump into the hot tub and enjoy a nice bubble bath with a sigar and chardoney wine pal.

and so my German shepherd biggrin.gif




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