Well, embarrassed because guys are not supposed to be talking about their feelings. And also because I felt uncomfortable talking about certain subjects with them (for example, girls/dating/love,etc.). It's different (easier) when you are talking behind a screen with people whom you have not met and will probably never meet , than talking with people with whom you will continue to share the house for some years ahead... If I shared those feelings with them, then every time they'd look at me, I'd suffer with the feeling of being transparent, and feel that they can see right through me. I don't know how to explain it. I've always been scared of giving away my feelings, because then they might 'take them away' from me, in the sense that they would no longer be PERSONAL. Hmm. I guess that's because I never really tasted the feeling of sharing things with my parents. Imagine coming home from school and starting to tell them something and it'd fall on deaf ears, you ask them if they heard what you said, they'd go: "huh? what?" It was so disappointing to see them do that over and over again. I'd just tell them "nothing" and go to my room. After a while I forced myself out of the habit of telling them anything at all, in the heat of my excitement. They wouldn't listen anyway. I used to make up for it by writing my thoughts and feelings. But after a while I stopped being able to express myself.
They messed up. I don't blame my mother, though. My dad is to be blamed for it. I actually feel sorry for my mom. Even though I used to be scared of the idea that my parents would get divorce (I was afraid they would leave me alone!), in retrospect, they should have done it and gone their own way instead of torturing themselves and each other. All this talk about divorce leading to problematic families is BS. I'd rather live with one parent (or no parent at all) than go through the hell that I lived through. I know, you will say, be careful what you wish for, but I KNOW better. If I had been sent to an 'orphanage' I would've received much more love and caring in one day than I received in the past 24 years combined.
Anyway, parents get only one chance to do things right. It's not like they can reverse all those years of pain and confusion that I had to go through, no matter how much they try to make up for it, and even if we talk. I would feel closer talking to a stranger than to my own parents, so what are we going to talk about? It's too little too late.
I just hope that other parents would find the right balance in dealing with their kids. When I become a parent I will make up for what I did not get to enjoy, by giving my kids all the attention that I wished and prayed I would get from my parents.