22 replies to this topic

[Elizabeth]

Hi all. My fiance recently proposed to me, and we are set to have an engagement party in about a month. I am extremely happy with him and our relationship, but something bothers me and I need some advice.

I had my heart set on a different type of engagement ring. The one I have now is very pretty, but I just dont feel like it's me, and I know I will want to change it in the future.

I know that he put time and care into picking this one out. I don't want to hurt his feelings, or come off as materialistic, but I also want to be happy with something I will be wearing every day for the rest of my life. We can usually talk about almost anything, but I feel like this may be a sensitive topic or taken in the wrong way.

Should I let him know, or just stand quiet? Am I being petty/materialistic about this? Your opinions are appreciated. Thanks.

Liz

[vava]

Hi Liz, and welcome to HF!

You'll only be engaged for a little while - after that you'll be wearing a wedding band So don't sweat it - just the fact that he picked it especially for you should out weigh any esthethic issue you may have with it... Unless it's absolutely atrocious, than I wouldn't tell him - (this is coming from someone who would be heartbroken if his fiancé rejected his ring)

oh, and congratulations!

[Sip]

Wait till after the wedding to let him know how you really feel

[Dan]

Wait till after the wedding to let him know how you really feel

good one, Sip!!

Welcome to HyeForum, Elizabeth.

One the one side, there is the honesty issue. And on the other, there is the "rejecting his ring" issue.. I am not sure which one is the "right" thing to do per se, but if I were you I would probably just accept his choice of ring, after all, as long as it's coming from the heart, that's what matters most, IMO.

[gamavor]

Tell him "Honey, something terrible happened. I've lost the ring!"

Then you go together and buy new one. After sometime you may pleasantly surprise him with your discovery of the "lost" ring so that the poor guy can recover some money back.

[vava]

Tell him "Honey, something terrible happened. I've lost the ring!"

Then you go together and buy new one. After sometime you may pleasantly surprise him with your discovery of the "lost" ring so that the poor guy can recover some money back.

This comes from a lawyer. Damn!

[Anonymouse]

Hi all.  My fiance recently proposed to me, and we are set to have an engagement party in about a month.    I am extremely happy with him and our relationship, but something bothers me and I need some advice. 

I had my heart set on a different type of engagement ring.  The one I have now is very pretty, but I just dont feel like it's me, and I know I will want to change it in the future. 

I know that he put time and care into picking this one out.  I don't want to hurt his feelings, or come off as materialistic,  but I also want to be happy with something I will be wearing every day for the rest of my life.  We can usually talk about almost anything, but I feel like this may be a sensitive topic or taken in the wrong way. 

Should I let him know, or just stand quiet?  Am I being petty/materialistic about this?    Your opinions are appreciated.  Thanks.

Liz

Try to get him to catch you surfing the web, particularly on:

http://www.adiamondisforever.com

If not that, I suggest using their Diamond graphics as your desktop cover. If that fails too, I suggest you find someone with a bigger pocket and can hold a fatter wallet.

Edited by Anonymouse, 20 January 2004 - 11:56 PM.

[hyebruin]

before saying anything to him, ask yourself one question!! is this really about the ring? i mean really?? really?? seems to me like there might be other issues involved perhaps and the ring is only a mask that covers those issues you do not want to deal with...i know if it was me and if i loved the guy i would love anything that he touched or thought of or bought for me...i suspect that the same could be true for you too...here's how i see it! does he let you voice your opinion on things? or when you do, does he try to persuade you to change your mind or "see things his way?" (usually meaning 'the best' according to some guys)...all of these are questions only YOU can answer...and depending on the answer and what your gut tells you, i can almost guarantee you that this is certainly NOT about the ring and more likely some resentment that you carry..something he said or did or did not that left you feeling like you had to "accept things the way they are"...i have no clue what that could be...and again if none of this sounds familiar to you it may simply be that you may not share the same deep love/commitment that he does...i'm sorry if it sounds harsh but better to face all this now rather than after marriage and kids...one of the few luxuries of this world is to have the wisdom and the courage to be able to make our present choices last a lifetime...a happy lifetime...good luck to you!!!

[Anonymouse]

before saying anything to him, ask yourself one question!! is this really about the ring? i mean really?? really?? seems to me like there might be other issues involved perhaps and the ring is only a mask that covers those issues you do not want to deal with...i know if it was me and if i loved the guy i would love anything that he touched or thought of or bought for me...i suspect that the same could be true for you too...here's how i see it! does he let you voice your opinion on things? or when you do, does he try to persuade you to change your mind or "see things his way?" (usually meaning 'the best' according to some guys)...all of these are questions only YOU can answer...and depending on the answer and what your gut tells you, i can almost guarantee you that this is certainly NOT about the ring and more likely some resentment that you carry..something he said or did or did not that left you feeling like you had to "accept things the way they are"...i have no clue what that could be...and again if none of this sounds familiar to you it may simply be that you may not share the same deep love/commitment that he does...i'm sorry if it sounds harsh but better to face all this now rather than after marriage and kids...one of the few luxuries of this world is to have the wisdom and the courage to be able to make our present choices last a lifetime...a happy lifetime...good luck to you!!!

Ohhhh flirting with Freudian explanations. I like I like. Maybe you can answer why I look the way I look?

[hyebruin]

dear mouse, there is nothing freudian about what i suggested! don't you think many of us walk around with resentment and unresolved anger and hostility and pain inside??? all freud did was attach sex to every last thing we do! sex being the motivation for perhaps allll that we do (according to him!) ---all i'm suggesting here is what any good therapist would! and that is to know your feelings and where you are coming from, which will answer a whole lot of these???? in life...

i venture to guess that you must not have had many psych classes or training in this field...usually to a novice or the general public all psychology begins and ends with freud!

Edited by hyebruin, 21 January 2004 - 01:21 AM.

[Stormig]

I think Elizabeth should thank you all for the nice answers, because I wouldn't have been so kind with such a question.

[Armen]

I had my heart set on a different type of engagement ring. The one I have now is very pretty, but I just dont feel like it's me, and I know I will want to change it in the future.

Bruin already said it but I want to add that the ring is "him" not you. The one you will give to him is "you". If you want to change the ring in the future you will have a desire to change him too.

[Sasun]

Elizabeth, I am curious, how did it occur to you that HyeForum is the best place for a good advice? Really, such good advices for your issue!

Actually a lot of women do what Gamavor is suggesting

[Elizabeth]

Thanks for all the replies everyone.

HyeBruin,
I really don't think that there are other hidden issues with this besides the ring. I realize it may come off as superficial or rude to be giving a second thought about the ring (and actually a part of me wishes I never posted about it), but it was simply that I have always wanted a specific style (since I was a teenager), and maybe I never conveyed that to him because the proposal was a surprise. That's all. I really don't think that my feeling this way about the design of a piece of metal has anything to say about my love or commitment towards him, or about underlying resentment. As close as we are, we are two different people, with different brains, thoughts, and tastes in clothing, jewelry, or whatever it may be. Also, when it came time for me to give him a ring, I was sure to pick out exactly what he wanted--because although I may prefer something totally guady ...in yellow gold and big diamonds for a man (which i dont!) he may have different taste. I'm not thinking about the symbolism of the ring, etc etc. We both know how we feel for each other, with or without the rings. But I did want him to feel comfortable with what he will be slipping on every day. In any case, thanks for the response, because it did make me look at it from a different perspective, but I honestly don't think that's the issue.

Stormig,
I'm not sure why I offended you with this topic, but I apologize if you took it the wrong way.

Anonymouse,
The desktop idea was funny--kinda over the top and a little late though

Everyone else, thanks again--I appreciate it.


Liz

[Anileve]

Am I being petty/materialistic about this?

Ahem... This is what I would consider a rhetorical question.

[Anonymouse]

dear mouse, there is nothing freudian about what i suggested! don't you think many of us walk around with resentment and unresolved anger and hostility and pain inside??? all freud did was attach sex to every last thing we do! sex being the motivation for perhaps allll that we do (according to him!) ---all i'm suggesting here is what any good therapist would! and that is to know your feelings and where you are coming from, which will answer a whole lot of these???? in life...

i venture to guess that you must not have had many psych classes or training in this field...usually to a novice or the general public all psychology begins and ends with freud!

Are you a psychology major?

[MosJan]

This is nothing new to me / we do have this kind of situations at our store /

If your looking for a advise janik wear the ring and be proud after all this is what your fiancé has chosen for you – dawn the line, first year anniversary or something like that you con tell him what you like, or join him on his search of finding a wedding ring set .

And remember us a ring that you will be wearing every day - you don’t need something big, it’s in your best interest to have something HAMEST, not to flashy, eye caching, since your not home all the time and your man will not be next to you every moment to guard you and the ring.

Some start of a nice ring - then each year anniversary add a stone to it, then make the matching earrings and charms, then add the berth stones on of the kids to it, on the end it becomes the family ring.

MOvses

[hyebruin]

dear liz,

i hope all works out for the best with your new life now; the one thing i have to add is to not be hesitant about voicing your concerns and letting people around you including your fiance know what you want! how THEY react to it is their concern not yours! and it sure is the best way of not harboring any resentment---which DOES happen especially with a lot of armenian women who choose to keep quiet about what makes them happy and not so happy!!--i do hope that the issue here really is about the ring design and not anything else..maybe it's a lesson for you to learn to compromise, since i hear that's what married folks do these days!! ....

and mouse, regarding your question: close enough!

[angel4hope]

okay i really do not want to come off too harsh.. so excuse anything you find offensive, just my opinion...

first of all, dont you think that your fiance matters more to you than the ring? I would think so, in my opinion, if i were to be proposed to, i wouldnt mind even if the ring he made was of a gum wrapper, its the thought behind it that matters, i think that this world has made everyone into materialistic and cold people. What ever happened to loving the person, i think that the ring is just a physical reminder of what he feels for you in his heart, i have had times when ive recieved a gift that i usually would not choose myself from a close friend or someone ive ad feelings for, i still wore the gift and used it because it reminded me of the person, and i valued the gift not for what it was physicalyy, but for what it stands for...i think that we need to escape this way of thought, i know that i myself can come across as a materialistic person sometimes, thats how the world infringes upon us, but if you look deeper into the situation and into life, you will find that everything will pass, and material objects will break, fade, scratch, get stolen or lost, but what means more to you should be your love and support for one another...

[angel4hope]

one more question, why do you want a specific style ring? what's a ring for? a symbol of your love to show other people right? so therefore you are conforming to what other people think and percieve about you...