907 replies to this topic

[Dan]

I have a joke, here:

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1.For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice

2.Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3.Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5.Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats.

6.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7.The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8.New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9.The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10.Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11.GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more.

12.Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13.You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

Edited by Dan, 01 May 2003 - 12:12 PM.

[Dan]

Edited by Dan, 01 May 2003 - 05:53 PM.

[Arpa]

No Dan!!
Girls are the sweetest and the sau=unrliest thing ever invented (created?)next to ... HONEY.
It is that f....n gynephobic god (lower case g)of yours that started the whole thing labeling Eve as the "root of all evil" .
Give me a girl anytime!!!

[Arpa]

I have met many gays of both genfers. I won't use "sex" since that has the connotation of procreation.
Some of them may well be my best friends, what makes me sad about the whole thing is that they miss the best things in life, i.e a warm female next to one, or a virile man, whatever the case may be.
Why do people choose to live "so narrowly in this wide world", as my parents used to say?

[Sip]

No Dan!!
Girls are the sweetest and the sau=unrliest thing ever invented (created?)next to ... HONEY.
It is that f....n gynephobic god (lower case g)of yours that started the whole thing labeling Eve as the "root of all evil" .
Give me a girl anytime!!!

Arpa, you just cannot argue with mathematics

So give me EVIL anytime!!!!

[Dan]

LOL Arpa, relax, it was just a joke. It doesn't express my views at all. I don't hate girls.

[Arpa]

Yes, jokes also have subtle and tacit messages.
Dan, her eis a friendly advice to you.
Just like Garo said;
You seem to be an imtelligent and articulate person but don't ever make your gender preference a political and social issue.
As before I can only sympathize and d feel sorry for you for having missed the best in this world, i.e. GIRLS!!!
e.g. I am a pedophile ( I am not), I am a bestialist (I am not), I am a rapist (I am not), I am an exhibitionist ( I am not), I am a sado masochist(I am not)... etc. Did I leave any other PERVERSION out?
You have my permsission to shoot me and hang me if I make any of those PEVERSIONS a matter of politics and suject of sermons.
One's personal life and perversions (and religious beliefs) are PERSONAL and shall remain so.

[Dan]

Jesus Christ. Will you leave the fact that I'm not attracted to women out of this thread?! Thankyouverymuch.

I would've posted the same thing if I were a girl/woman. Enough said. The link has been removed.

Edited by Dan, 01 May 2003 - 05:55 PM.

[Sip]

This turned out to be not the story-line I was expecting: Record crowd makes Omaha pilgrimage for Buffett ... and I clicked with such enthusiasm too

[Azat]

Dan, I agree with you and I think you should put the link back. I found it very funny.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`


First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body. For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and then stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing"; he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[hyebruin]

today in class we were talking about how a female athlete could never outrun/outperform a male athlete in speed simply because physiologically men have higher red blood cell and hemoglobin count....so i turned over to my friend (female) and said " yeah, too bad all that blood goes to the wrong places!!!"...i guess gravity takes over and the elevator can't make it all the way to the higher control centers!!!!

on another note: arpa, you know girls love hearing things like that....you know all that sweet, honey, stuff..... i'd like to think of it as the key finding the right lock--makes sense, doesn't it?...problem is though...there are too many master keys out there!!!!

[Dan]

LOL Azat, that was funny. I had heard it before though.

[Mher]

LOYALTY PAYS OFF...


Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[Sip]

Funny stuff ...

So is it just me or does this whole SARS thing and the World Health Organization just have a complete "Abbott & Costello" sketch written all over it? WHO ordered the warning? Yes. WHO? WHO. That's what I'm asking. What? WHO. WHO? Yes. Why are you asking me for? That's what I said.

By the way, don't know how many caught the latest south park episode but the part that Stan's dad got SARS and was telling his son that he only has a 98% survival chance, put me TOTALLY on the floor!!!!! ROFLMAO.

[Azat]

The teacher asked little Harut if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers Harut.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job.

What comes after ten?"

"A jack," says Harut.

[Azat]

A body builder picks up a woman at a bar and takes her home with him.

He takes off his shirt and the woman says, "What a great chest you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lb. of dynamite."

He takes off his pants and the woman says, "What massive calves you have."

The body builder tells her, "That's another 100 lb. of dynamite."

He then takes off his underwear and the woman goes running and screaming out of the apartment.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.

He finally catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment.

The woman replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

[Dan]

LOL Azat.

[hyebruin]

azat!!! you're a natural!! thanks