Hail to the king!
For all those guys who are King... at least until their wife gets home. ...
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-shit!"
Humor / Jokes By Sevook
Started by
Sevook
, Feb 08 2006 05:00 PM
34 replies to this topic
#21
Azat
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Posted 10 February 2006 - 05:37 PM
#22
Sevook
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Posted 10 February 2006 - 06:01 PM
Subject: ...Priceless!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's ChristmasParty. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste likealcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack hadto force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a coupleof aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless!!!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's ChristmasParty. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste likealcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack hadto force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a coupleof aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick! "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady,I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . Priceless!!!
#23
Sevook
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Posted 10 February 2006 - 06:02 PM
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today
Edited by Sevook, 10 February 2006 - 06:02 PM.
#24
Maral
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#25
MosJan
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Posted 11 February 2006 - 01:52 AM
ok lets see if i can top this offffff
Aryuts@ Glendel MAple Parkum Xot e Aratsum
Napastak@ motenum e te
Napastak - - Aryuts Axper es inch bani es chlin ite du el es Vejeterian DArstel
Aryuts - to sus iy axper - Eshi Green CArdov em USA yekel
Aryuts@ Glendel MAple Parkum Xot e Aratsum
Napastak@ motenum e te
Napastak - - Aryuts Axper es inch bani es chlin ite du el es Vejeterian DArstel
Aryuts - to sus iy axper - Eshi Green CArdov em USA yekel
#26
Sevook
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Posted 13 February 2006 - 02:17 PM
I tried editing these as much as I could. I apoligize if some may affect some of you.
> * A man is dying of cancer.
> His son: "Dad why you keep telling
people you're
> dying of AIDS??".
> Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to
> get with your mother."
> ----------------------------------------------------
> * YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was
> raped.
> TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the
> park!
>
-----------------------------------------------------
> * Question: "what's the similarity
> between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who
> satisfies his
> wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
> Answer: "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
>
---------------------
> * A man is dying of cancer.
> His son: "Dad why you keep telling
people you're
> dying of AIDS??".
> Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to
> get with your mother."
> ----------------------------------------------------
> * YESTERDAY NEWS: A nun jogging in the park was
> raped.
> TODAY'S NEWS: Hundreds of nuns are jogging in the
> park!
>
-----------------------------------------------------
> * Question: "what's the similarity
> between a good-looking, faithful, rich husband who
> satisfies his
> wife sexually every night and Bin Laden?"
> Answer: "BOTH CANNOT BE FOUND"
>
---------------------
Edited by MosJan, 13 February 2006 - 06:30 PM.
#27
MosJan
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Posted 13 February 2006 - 02:59 PM
Sevuk jan please try not to use adult content - we do have kids in this forum 
#28
Sevook
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Posted 13 February 2006 - 04:28 PM
Sorry...I'll delete the last post...
MosJan, I can't edit the post. Can you do it or delete it...It only allows me to edit the last post I make...And sorry about it.
MosJan, I can't edit the post. Can you do it or delete it...It only allows me to edit the last post I make...And sorry about it.
Edited by Sevook, 13 February 2006 - 04:31 PM.
#29
ED
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Posted 13 February 2006 - 05:52 PM
Sevoog jan first 3 edits are free, after that each edit is 20$, to 10 edits, after 10 .........astvats gity
#30
Sevook
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Posted 13 February 2006 - 05:55 PM
Okay Edward....That doesn't help me edit the post. lol
#31
ED
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Posted 13 February 2006 - 05:59 PM
no but it helps us>> the senior citizens, you see,
Ahrnold cut out madical, bush cut medicare, so we have to live che apers?
Ahrnold cut out madical, bush cut medicare, so we have to live che apers?
#32
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Posted 14 February 2006 - 01:20 PM
Old Genie - New Twist.........
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
engineer-- are working together one day. They come across a lantern
and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which
is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500
feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in
or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says --
"Fill it with water."
Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American
engineer-- are working together one day. They come across a lantern
and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which
is three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
Pooooof! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was
forever made fertile for farming.
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can
come into our precious state." Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The American engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more
about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500
feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in
or out -- it's virtually impenetrable."
The American engineer says --
"Fill it with water."
#33
Sevook
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Posted 16 February 2006 - 01:22 PM
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went 'bang, bang, bang,' and the beaver
fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went 'bang, bang, bang,' and the beaver
fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly".
#34
Sevook
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Posted 08 March 2006 - 02:10 PM
EDITED FOR LANGUAGE
... Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's thingy, and they would watch TV for an hour or so.
It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.
She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"
... Edna and Bill were two residents of a nursing home who had been carrying on a love affair. They were both 96 years old. Every night, they would meet in the TV room. Edna would passively hold Bill's thingy, and they would watch TV for an hour or so.
It wasn't much, but it was all they had. One night Bill didn't show up. He didn't show up for the next two nights either.Edna assumed he was dead, but then she saw him happily wandering about the grounds.
She confronted him and said: "Where were you these past couple of nights?"
He replied: "If you must know, I was with another woman".
"Bastard!" she cried. "What were you doing?".
"We do the exact same thing that you and I do," he answered.
"Is she prettier or younger than I am?" she asked.
"Nope, she looks the same, and she is 98 years old," Bill replied.
"Well then, what does she have that I don't?" Edna asked.
Bill smiled slyly and said: "Parkinson's disease"
#35
Sevook
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Posted 08 March 2006 - 03:13 PM
A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.
One day Cuddles, the poodle, started chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovered she was lost. Wandering about, she noticed a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thought, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep human doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settled down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard was about to leap, the old poodle exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror came over him and he skulked away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he went, but the old poodle had seen him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something not good must be up.
The monkey soon caught up with the leopard and, sure enough, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that coniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" but with no time for running, the dog sat down with her back to her attackers and pretended she hadn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle said out loud, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
One day Cuddles, the poodle, started chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovered she was lost. Wandering about, she noticed a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thought, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep human doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settled down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard was about to leap, the old poodle exclaimed loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halted his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror came over him and he skulked away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he went, but the old poodle had seen him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something not good must be up.
The monkey soon caught up with the leopard and, sure enough, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that coniving canine!"
Now, the old poodle saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thought, "What am I going to do now?" but with no time for running, the dog sat down with her back to her attackers and pretended she hadn't seen them yet.
Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle said out loud, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
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